"It wasn't supposed to be like this."
An acknowledgement of the infinite sadness of mothering through loss.
"It doesn't really get better." The first few tears Chelsea wiped away. The following ones she let slide down her cheek in a slow dance to her chin. It's been over 3 years, and she sits surrounded by her mother's spirit. It's everywhere you look, from the custom yellow rocking chairs on the front porch to the very flowers growing in the yard. The garden whispers her memory on good days, and screams it on the bad ones. Each moment of joy is immediately flanked with the kind of sorrow that makes it hard to breathe.
"I have no guide book… no map." Chelsea says of parenting her own children. Grief is isolating. Motherhood is isolating. It's so easy to feel alone. She wonders aloud if her own parenting has been affected by the absence of her mother. Then "good days" happen — the kind when you suddenly realize you aren't sad. And then you feel guilty for not being sad. "The longer time goes, the harder it is to see her face, and that is infinitely sad." So feeling better isn't through that door. And sometimes, the grief keeps her close.
The void between how it was supposed to be and how it has turned out to be can alter timelines. In grieving what was supposed to be, you are also grieving the loss of who you were expecting to be. The loss of an integral member of the network of women supporting each other through the generations is profound and seismic in nature. The ground shifts. Nothing is the same.
2021 Census data shows that 23.4% of 30- to 39-year-olds have lost at least one parent. Many women are navigating the rollercoaster of motherhood without the support of their own mothers. Grief comes in so many different forms for mothers: parenting with absent or estranged parents of your own, the immeasurable loss in the death of a child, the loss of a pregnancy, or difficulty conceiving.
A 2022 study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family finds that approximately 6.3% of respondents reported an estranged relationship with their mother at least once. Not having a parent present to offer any guidance while piecing together what motherhood is supposed to look like can be a daunting experience.
You are not alone in your grief. There are other moms who travel each day to the alternate timeline in their mind — the space that holds how it was supposed to be. Find your people. Chelsea takes a deep breath of summer afternoon air and says that finding other moms like her has made all the difference. "My friend reached out to me about a group of women she's getting together." All the women have lost their moms and they are able to get together regularly to process their experiences. It has been incredible to find the support, to be real and honest.
Sharing stories is a vital tool in the destruction of isolation. Feeling seen and heard in your time of grief is one of the most powerful things another person can offer you. And it is in community that we are able to carry what none of us could carry alone.
If you're mothering through loss, Mamaya Health is here to walk alongside you. Connect with a Mamaya therapist — specialized in grief and maternal mental health. Explore our peer support groups →
