8/14/2019 — Text I sent my sisters (10 weeks pregnant)
"No just...like. I don't know how to put it into words. I mean, just DEAD inside. I don't sleep at night. I just go through the motions throughout the day, barely. I just always want to be left alone. Idk. Just nothing in my head. No emotions. I cry because I can't sleep or breathe because my chest is so tight. Yep."
11/11/2019 — Note I wrote in my phone (22 weeks pregnant)
"I don't want to die, but I don't want to live."
Something I learned while pregnant and experiencing depression is that depression during and after pregnancy occurs more often than most people realize. Depression during pregnancy is called antepartum or prenatal depression. Depression after pregnancy is called postpartum depression. Both are real, serious, and treatable — and neither is your fault.
I sent the above texts to my safe people to let them know I wasn't okay. I talked with my partner about how I was feeling. I told my doctor, many times. I was honest with my doulas. I made notes on my phone so that when I was asked "How are you feeling?" I would answer honestly.
Far too many pregnant people and parents suffer in silence. These symptoms don't look the same for everyone, and you may only have a few. But if you don't feel like yourself — or your partner tells you that you're acting different — know that you are not alone.
This National Maternal Depression Month, if you're pregnant or postpartum and experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety:
- Send a text to a safe person
- Write a note about how you're feeling
- Make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in maternal mental health
Written by The Mamaya team
You don't have to carry this alone. Connect with a Mamaya therapist — we specialize in pregnancy and postpartum depression and anxiety. Learn more about our perinatal care →
